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Monthly Archives: January 2011
We hear them everyday. Sometimes, they reminded us of times that
were more comforting, like farting under a fleece blanket on a cold
winters morning. But sometimes… Just sometimes…
They make you want to kill the first living thing you see.
Yes, I’m talking about those songs you’ve heard one too many times.
They were once singles, then hits, then classics, and now are just
a skid mark on the radio industries underwear that wont wash off.
Lynyrd Skynyrd – Sweet Home Alabama
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Skynyrd. In there time Skynyrd played an
integral role in southern-rock, and even managed to influence a bunch of other
rednecks “to pyick up da Geetar an ROCK!” But how many times have you heard
this fucking song? 200 times? 300 times? 14,000 times!?!? I never want to hear this
song again. It’s awful. Does anybody know the fucking words to “Gimme Back My bullet”
or any other GOOD Skynard song? Fuck this song.
Don McLean – American Pie
I want to make the most monotonous song ever. I want
it to be boring as fuck, and I want it to be roughly 15 minutes long.
Nothing less than 15 minutes would suffice. Whats that?
Someone’s already done that? Well fuck me standing.
This song Is FUCKING AWFUL. It lasts a fucking centuary
and every time you think its going to end, it just
starts right back up again. Its a poppy-ass-folk-fuck
purgatory. I could spend a life time talking about this
piece of shit but its just going to give me a headache.
Journey – Don’t Stop Beleivin’
When you’re relaxing in a bar and this song comes on
you know you’re fucked. Bad things are going happen all
around you and there’s nothing you can do to prevent it.
I want to kill the asshole who plays this song.
Elton John – Benny and the Jets
Led Zeppelin – Rock and Roll
Bob Seger – Anything this fucking asshole has ever made
Pink Floyd – Us and Them
Jimi Hendrix – Purple Haze
To be continued…
Harpoon Oak Aged Dunkel (100 Barrel Series #34)
I bought a 22oz bottle of this shit for like $5 at the
local liquor store. At that price, I was expecting liquid
gold laced with the milk of Jessica Ablas teet. Needless to say, I
was somewhat disappointed. No gold and no celebrity nipples.
Overall it wasn’t a bad beer, but I was expecting more from a
company Like Harpoon.
Pour – Light amber with a tan head. Very active carbonation.
Smell – Caramel, toasted malt, and dark fruits.
Taste – Chocolate dark malts, fruity, vanilla, and trace amounts of wood.
Where the fuck is the oak?
Overall, I’m a pretty fucking lazy person. Not many people are
willing to admit this about themselves but I will. If you know me
personally, you are well aware of my unbecoming personality and
my shameless approach to almost everything I do. That’s just how I was wired.
Due to my laziness and shameless attitude, I have no choice on
whether or not I should wear sweatpants. I almost have to. The only
problem is, I have a tendency to carry around an excessive amount of shit
in my pockets. This includes beer bottle caps, 11 cigarette lighters,
small woodland creatures, and the cigarettes themselves. That’s a lot
of shit. So you would clearly understand the joy that overcame my soul
when I found out they added cargo pockets to sweatpants. Ho-ly fuck!
This combination is fifty times better than mixing peanut butter and
chocolate. Sweatpants, in my eyes, are borderline high fashion.
The thought of combining them with the versatility of cargo pockets
is an absolute mind fuck. I love these things. If your Carl from ATHF or
that smoking hot college chick who’s only going to the store to get an
Arnold Palmer Arizona ice tea, these are for you.
Do your chicken dishes lack zazz? If so, allow me to help.
Here are some simple ingredients that can use to give your
poultry more flair.
Chips – Chips are good on their own, but when
combined with the greatness of chicken you have
a piece of fucking heaven. The next time you
have fuckloads of chicken and you don’t know what
to do with it, bread that shit in some Doritos or
Sun Chips. Holy-ass fuck! Cool ranch and Harvest
cheddar chicken! Sign my ass up.
Cereal – Have you ever had Boo-Berry flavored chicken?
I sure as shit haven’t, but I’d be willing to bet
my most valuable possessions that it would be tasty as fuck.
Tired of that bland Corn Flake taste? Use Frosted Flakes instead dummy.
Captain Crunch always makes for a nice breading.
How about Fruity Pebbles chicken? Fruity Pebbles are
easily in the top 5 of greatest cereals of all time.
Chicken meeting Fruity Pebbles would most
certainly be the most visually appealing dish at your next
4th of July shindig.
Best served with lots of pot.
Corn Dog Batter – Corn dogs are incredible.
In fact, any meat on stick is incredible. You don’t
require any plates, utensils, or napkins. The only
thing that separates you from you dinner is that nifty
wooden handle. Think back to every time you’ve gone to a Chinese
restaurant and have eaten the beef teriyaki on the wooden
skewers. Fucking awesome right? For each stick you eat, you
have a super-sized tooth pick to scrape out all that excess
ally cat that has built up between your teeth.
The next time you make chicken, impale its ass with a skewer.
Then dredge it in flour, drown it in batter, and deep fry that shit.
Best served with beer.
Good cleavage does more than just make a mans pee-pee turn hard.
It can earn you that great office job that you’re not
qualified for, automatically shoot you to the front of a long line,
and all in all makes the world go round. Just ask Jayne Mansfield.
She got payed retarded amounts of money for having a great rack. Nice.
She also helped Playboy sell a shit load of copies back in 1955 and
also had a nude scene in the 1963 film “Promises, Promises.”
A wise man once said, “every woman looks better in a sundress.”
They sure do. Whenever I’m being set up for some sort
of blind date, the only two questions I ask are…
how tall is she and does she wear sundresses? I shit you not.
Lets break this shit down using a little basic math.
Tanktop + Skirt = fucking awesome
Dogfish Head – 90 minute IPA
The 90 minute IPA is one of my favorite beers of all time.
When the first drop hits my tongue I picture myself
in the garden of Eden. I see unicorns and
tall apple trees extending towards the heavens.
I’m surrounded by 10 big-breasted virgins,
while sipping liquid MDMA out of the Holy Grail.
Pour – Opaque copper, little head, and nice carbonation.
Smell – Floral, citrus, Pine, and hops.
Taste – The flavor is what you would expect from the smell,
which is nice. Slightly malty. Hop heavy.
Since The Super Bowl is less than a month away, I figured
we should pay homage to the unsung heros of the game. Yes my friend,
I’m talking about the cheerleaders. Fuck yeah! I’m not sure
what the purpose of a cheerleader is, but I know I like
what they do. They dance, bend over, and yell shit. Awesome.
Several NFL teams don’t provide their loyal fan base
with cheerleaders. Soulless fucks! Here are the cities
and the reasons why.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Fuck Pittsburgh, that’s why.
Green Bay Packers – Hard nipples.
Chicago Bears – More hard nipples.
Cleveland Browns – There’s no attractive woman in Cleveland.
New York Giants – Eli farted.
Detroit Lions – Nobody goes to a Lions game. Not even the players.
Cheerleaders are normal people just like you and me.
The only difference is they’re smoking hot and get payed
once a week for it.
Now that my friends, is what I like to call Sports Sexy. Tip your hats
Super Bowl XLV prediction:
Packers 24 – Steelers 17
Fuck you Cro-mag Roethlisberger!
No time for Grabby-ass, its after midnight and I’m Fucking hungry.
I despise cabbage. The thought of it reminds me of changing a newborn
infants soiled diaper. Everything about it is foul.
The word alone is often used to describe something shitty,
like a wet fart or unpleasant female genitalia.
IT IS FUCKING NASTY! Galumpkis on the other hand are absolutely delightful.
The story behind this culinary masterpiece is nothing short of legendary.
Some poor ass eastern European person decided it would be a good idea
to take the families dead house pet, some grain, and a tomato and
stuff the shit out of a cabbage. That’s not a good idea, that’s a GREAT idea.
Galumpkis are fucking awesome! If they are cooked properly you don’t even
taste that bitter cabbage taint. Nobody likes taint, but everybody should love Galumpkis.
If you have never eaten stuffed cabbage get on it!
Find a recipe now and you will automatically be entered
a chance to see Rachael Ray and her thunder thighs in person. OH JOY!
Thin Lizzy: Live And Dangerous
A lot of people piss and moan about this album because it contains overdubs and
a live album should not be tampered with. I say you people are fucked in the head
because this CD is finger licking good. I don’t give a fuck if its 1% live and 99% studio,
It fucking rocks. If your not familiar with Thin Lizzy, picture an Irish version of
Jimi Hendrix mixed with a 70’s cock-rock, hair and duel guitar solos are included.
If you look at it this way its like getting two CDs for the price of one! Man I love free shit.
Mogwai Rating: 8/10